Unconditionally

Dear 14 year old self,

I want you to know that you are loved unconditionally. You may not feel like you are good enough, or that you aren't pleasing everyone all the time, but that is not your task. Your Father in heaven has planned you from the beginning. You are captivating to Him. And His opinion is really the only one that matters. You may not feel seen, heard, understood, or important, but you are. The Lord sees, hears, understands, and longs to let you know how important you are to Him. You have immeasurable value and worth to Him. Stop seeking attention from boys that you admire. You cannot find sustenance from broken cisterns. Seek everything you need from the Lord, because He provides everything you will ever need. He will fulfill you if you seek Him instead of people who tend to become idols in your eyes. He will never disappoint, never abandon, never stop loving, and never forget you. You are on the front of His mind and your name is written on the palm of His hand.

I encourage you to love yourself. You are not able to fully love another until you are comfortable within yourself. You and God are the only ones on your journey. Learn to love yourself, then learn to like yourself. Know that you are human and will make mistakes, but have grace for yourself when you do things that disappoint. Embrace the way God has made you. Honor yourself by being honest with your feelings and emotions. They are there for a reason, listen to them. Don't allow other people's opinion of you override your own opinion of yourself. Don't take responsibility of another person's feelings, allow them to do that. Take care of the things YOU are responsible for- your thoughts, feelings, emotions, actions, decisions, health, and growth.

Don't be afraid to say "no" and in turn potentially disappoint someone. Be true to yourself and don't worry about disappointing others. If you are true to yourself and honest in your answers, others will respect you and they will be able to deal with their own disappointment. Don't be afraid to grieve, for it is in the grief that you grow closer to Jesus in His suffering. Don't be afraid to hurt. Feel it, acknowledge the pain, and release it into your comforting Father's hands. He will heal your heart and fulfill all your desires.

Find confidence and security in the Lord's love. He is always Faithful and will always come through for you.

I love you--your older self.

He doesn't want you to be anyone else.

Hey girl, it's me - you at twenty-five years old. Crazy right? If it were possible to meet face to face right now, you'd probably think I have it all together, and that is because I know how you think. I've dropped 25 lbs. Since you last saw me, your boobs FINALLY came in, we have a very sweet boyfriend, a car, an education, a job, and our family isn't THAT crazy after all. Things seem to have gone pretty smoothly - on the surface. You don't realize this now, but even when things seem to be perfect on the outside, sometimes they're not. I'd like to clue you in on a few things that I know about you, things that you might want to think about changing.

You are very sweet and thoughtful. You are always taking care of other people, making other people feel good about themselves, and making the world a brighter place. These are wonderful qualities - but you need to be aware that sometimes these qualities can be weaknesses.

When I was your age, I thought I was doing pretty well. I was a "good Christian." I put other people’s needs first. I tried to always do the right thing, so that no one would have cause to be angry with me. If anyone was hurting, I tried to make it better. I was very encouraging and supportive to other people. But if I was hurting, I couldn't admit it to anyone. I pretended that everything was completely normal. It was so embarrassing to admit that something was wrong. Even when I would go to the doctor, they would ask, "well how are you feeling?" and I'd say, "oh, fine, how are you?" without even thinking about it. I was so good at faking it. When it would have made me feel so much better to talk to someone else and be encouraged by them, I could not do it. It was my gift to be encouraging and uplifting to everyone else – but I would rather die than open up to someone else and tell them that I was sad or lonely or having a hard time.

Not only was I not taking care of my own needs, but I was also entirely too dependent on the approval of others. My friends didn’t like me the way I was, so I pretended to be like them. People at church expected me to act a certain way, dress a certain way, and be a certain way, and so I pretended to be person they wanted me to be. The guy I was dating in high school wanted me to be interested in the same things he was interested in, and I pretended to be interested in those things. I pretended to the point where I actually THOUGHT I was all of those things. I thought I was like my friends, I thought I was the person the people at church thought I was. I thought I liked the same things my boyfriend liked. I was afraid people wouldn’t like me if I wasn’t the way they expected me to be. So even if I didn’t agree with it or enjoy it, I became the person I thought everyone else wanted me to be. I found that I was only truly being myself when I was at home with my family.

This went on for years and years, and when I graduated high school, it began to spiral out of control. I began to exhibit early signs of depression. I cried all the time, and felt sad and I didn’t know why. I would go home from college every weekend just to regroup. I couldn’t be myself away from my family. That was the only place I knew who I was. But every Sunday I had to go back to school. It was terrible. I would wake up in the morning, and pick up my Bible and pray that Jesus would come back that day, because there was no way I was going to make it any further than that one day. I remember the song "In Christ Alone" was really big at that time, and we would sing it in chapel a lot, and I could not sing that line, "till he returns or calls me home, here in the power of Christ I stand," without crying because that line was my life. He carried me during that time. I honestly would not be here, if not for him. Keep your faith strong, because I really needed it then. I carried my Bible everywhere. I would read it, pray, and sometimes just clutch it in my hand, to let myself know that he was there.

I came home after two years – did you catch that? I was so worried about disappointing people (by coming home from college), that It took me TWO YEARS to decide to come home. That's sad. It took me three years after THAT to figure out why I was so depressed, and to get everything sorted out. Those 25 lbs. you were so impressed that I lost? - I lost them within a few months time, simply because I couldn't eat. Now that's crazy -- this from the girl whose boyfriend (instead of a dozen roses) brings her a dozen chocolate covered donuts on date night -- let me tell you, me not eating, now that's crazy. But that's how it was. I wasn't being me, because I did not know how. It was very hard, and there was a time I even thought about suicide, simply because I didn't think I could make it any more. But there's a happy ending to our story. God was always there - he put special people in my life to help me (and I wonder if one of them wasn't an actual angel) and things got better. I've had two and half years of counseling (it's not just for crazy people - it actually helped a lot, I promise), my family and my boyfriend were very supportive, and now I can say that I have learned how to be myself. And boy does it feel great to be myself. I have found that it's actually easier to serve God and other people when you're yourself - strange isn't it?

You can avoid all this, and it's very simple. God made you just the way you are, and he loves you. He doesn’t want you to be anyone else. If your friends don’t like you the way God made you, then get new ones. Also, don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it. There’s no shame in admitting that you need help. We’re all human. And most of the time, there’s someone out there struggling with the exact same thing you’re struggling with. I don't regret any of my story -- I actually am very thankful to have had this experience, so that I can help other people avoid it. Funny how God works sometimes, eh? He's pretty amazing...

Just be brave.

Dear 7th Grade Self,

No, sweetheart, they are not your friends.

They might have been, once upon a time, but this is not how friends behave, this is not what friends are like. Give it up; let go. It’s better without them.

I know you miss that close, tight group you used to have with them. But it just doesn’t exist any longer. These are the same girls, but sixth grade did something to them that it didn’t do to you. Who knows why or what. They got mean or hard or self-conscious. Something terrible at home - a divorce or a bullying older brother; a dad that doesn’t care about what happens to them; a mom who starts every morning belittling or fighting. Whatever did it; it’s already done. They think the only way to look good, to feel better, is to make others look bad, make others feel worse.

It’s not wrong for you to not be comfortable with them anymore; it’s not wrong to want it to be different.

But here’s the thing: It won’t go back to how it was. No matter how long you stick it out with them, how many times you listen to them gossip, how many seats they end up saving for you, how may lunches you guys ridicule each other through - no matter how long you keep this up, it won’t be the way it was. It won’t be as good, or as right, or as close. They won’t be your friends.

They’re already not your friends.

Think about it. There’s no real reason they won’t save you a seat in first period. There’s no real reason they trash talk the guy you like. There’s no real reason for the whole group to go silent when you walk in a room.

No real reason. This is just how girls can be.

But the good news is - not all girls are like this. Not all girls want to see you cry. Not all girls form a little clique and ignore anyone who doesn’t quite fit.

Some girls want friends just like you want friends.

You’ll find them. You’ve already found them. You know who they are; you know that they’re fun, that they joke and laugh and tease and hang out on Fridays. You’ve seen them pass notes to each other in class about silly, goofy stuff. You’ve seen them doodle on each other’s shoes and arms; you’ve listened to them moan about pre-algebra homework. You know them. They’re right there, in front of you.

I know that this is so hard. To cut ties with the girls you thought were your friends, who did, in fact, use to be your friends. I know that it’s scary to think that you might drift around 7th grade without someone, without belonging, never fitting in. But that’s not what happens. That won’t happen.

God is looking out for you; He’s got something in mind. But He needs you to step out on faith, to take the leap into what looks like a vacuum. He will catch you. He will. He will. He is faithful.

Another thing about the way God works. See, what He does for you might sometimes not look like what you want. Or even need. It might look like a paltry imitation, a shadow of the great group of friends you had once. These new friends that God has in mind for you? Yeah, at first glance, they don’t look like the friends you have.

You know the girls I mean, the girls who will be your friends; you’ve already seen them in homeroom. They’re not as put together maybe; they’re wearing last year’s boots instead of this year’s. They do hang out with a couple of guys in band class, and yeah, one of the girls has a retainer she has to wear that gives her a kind of lisp. But guess what? It’s so much more fun when you don’t have to try so hard to be liked, when you fit in with a group of girls who don’t care if your shoes are cool or if this is a good hair day. It’s so much more honest, and real, and relaxing, and right when the friends you surround yourself with just love you for you.

God has plans for you; He needs you to be willing to go along with Him, to ride it out. Because the moment that you step away from those mean girls and sit down at the other end of the lunch table - that’s the moment God starts working through you.

When He does that, there’s no stopping the blessings you get from Him. The girl with the retainer? She teaches you a cool trick to help memorize the poem you have to recite in front of the class next semester. The girl with the geeky band boyfriend? (Yeah, he plays the trombone and gets mad really easily, I know). That girl will be your best friend for the next two years; she’ll get you free tickets to a cool concert and you’ll have her over to spend the night when her stepdad leaves them.

God will be at work in your life. All you have to do, all you need to do, is be brave. Walk past the head of the lunch table and the girls pretending to be stupid to impress the boys, walk past the girl with perfect hair who was new in fifth grade and needed you but doesn’t need you now. Walk past them. Walk to the last table, the one by the trash compactor that stinks. Walk all the way to the end and sit down.

They won’t kick you out. They won’t stare at you like you’re crazy. They won’t stop talking and leave the table in dreadful, judging silence. It’s not a fiery furnace; it’s not a lion’s den.

They’ll ask if you want your orange (no) and if you want to come to the band room after lunch and listen to music (yes). They’ll accept you without question. These people will be your friends. You won’t even miss the others.

In case you couldn’t tell, everything works out. It’s easier than you think. God is bigger than your fears.

Just be brave. Be willing to walk into the flames - they will not touch you.

With hope,
Your Older (Wiser?) Self