He doesn't want you to be anyone else.

Hey girl, it's me - you at twenty-five years old. Crazy right? If it were possible to meet face to face right now, you'd probably think I have it all together, and that is because I know how you think. I've dropped 25 lbs. Since you last saw me, your boobs FINALLY came in, we have a very sweet boyfriend, a car, an education, a job, and our family isn't THAT crazy after all. Things seem to have gone pretty smoothly - on the surface. You don't realize this now, but even when things seem to be perfect on the outside, sometimes they're not. I'd like to clue you in on a few things that I know about you, things that you might want to think about changing.

You are very sweet and thoughtful. You are always taking care of other people, making other people feel good about themselves, and making the world a brighter place. These are wonderful qualities - but you need to be aware that sometimes these qualities can be weaknesses.

When I was your age, I thought I was doing pretty well. I was a "good Christian." I put other people’s needs first. I tried to always do the right thing, so that no one would have cause to be angry with me. If anyone was hurting, I tried to make it better. I was very encouraging and supportive to other people. But if I was hurting, I couldn't admit it to anyone. I pretended that everything was completely normal. It was so embarrassing to admit that something was wrong. Even when I would go to the doctor, they would ask, "well how are you feeling?" and I'd say, "oh, fine, how are you?" without even thinking about it. I was so good at faking it. When it would have made me feel so much better to talk to someone else and be encouraged by them, I could not do it. It was my gift to be encouraging and uplifting to everyone else – but I would rather die than open up to someone else and tell them that I was sad or lonely or having a hard time.

Not only was I not taking care of my own needs, but I was also entirely too dependent on the approval of others. My friends didn’t like me the way I was, so I pretended to be like them. People at church expected me to act a certain way, dress a certain way, and be a certain way, and so I pretended to be person they wanted me to be. The guy I was dating in high school wanted me to be interested in the same things he was interested in, and I pretended to be interested in those things. I pretended to the point where I actually THOUGHT I was all of those things. I thought I was like my friends, I thought I was the person the people at church thought I was. I thought I liked the same things my boyfriend liked. I was afraid people wouldn’t like me if I wasn’t the way they expected me to be. So even if I didn’t agree with it or enjoy it, I became the person I thought everyone else wanted me to be. I found that I was only truly being myself when I was at home with my family.

This went on for years and years, and when I graduated high school, it began to spiral out of control. I began to exhibit early signs of depression. I cried all the time, and felt sad and I didn’t know why. I would go home from college every weekend just to regroup. I couldn’t be myself away from my family. That was the only place I knew who I was. But every Sunday I had to go back to school. It was terrible. I would wake up in the morning, and pick up my Bible and pray that Jesus would come back that day, because there was no way I was going to make it any further than that one day. I remember the song "In Christ Alone" was really big at that time, and we would sing it in chapel a lot, and I could not sing that line, "till he returns or calls me home, here in the power of Christ I stand," without crying because that line was my life. He carried me during that time. I honestly would not be here, if not for him. Keep your faith strong, because I really needed it then. I carried my Bible everywhere. I would read it, pray, and sometimes just clutch it in my hand, to let myself know that he was there.

I came home after two years – did you catch that? I was so worried about disappointing people (by coming home from college), that It took me TWO YEARS to decide to come home. That's sad. It took me three years after THAT to figure out why I was so depressed, and to get everything sorted out. Those 25 lbs. you were so impressed that I lost? - I lost them within a few months time, simply because I couldn't eat. Now that's crazy -- this from the girl whose boyfriend (instead of a dozen roses) brings her a dozen chocolate covered donuts on date night -- let me tell you, me not eating, now that's crazy. But that's how it was. I wasn't being me, because I did not know how. It was very hard, and there was a time I even thought about suicide, simply because I didn't think I could make it any more. But there's a happy ending to our story. God was always there - he put special people in my life to help me (and I wonder if one of them wasn't an actual angel) and things got better. I've had two and half years of counseling (it's not just for crazy people - it actually helped a lot, I promise), my family and my boyfriend were very supportive, and now I can say that I have learned how to be myself. And boy does it feel great to be myself. I have found that it's actually easier to serve God and other people when you're yourself - strange isn't it?

You can avoid all this, and it's very simple. God made you just the way you are, and he loves you. He doesn’t want you to be anyone else. If your friends don’t like you the way God made you, then get new ones. Also, don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it. There’s no shame in admitting that you need help. We’re all human. And most of the time, there’s someone out there struggling with the exact same thing you’re struggling with. I don't regret any of my story -- I actually am very thankful to have had this experience, so that I can help other people avoid it. Funny how God works sometimes, eh? He's pretty amazing...