Unconditionally

Dear 14 year old self,

I want you to know that you are loved unconditionally. You may not feel like you are good enough, or that you aren't pleasing everyone all the time, but that is not your task. Your Father in heaven has planned you from the beginning. You are captivating to Him. And His opinion is really the only one that matters. You may not feel seen, heard, understood, or important, but you are. The Lord sees, hears, understands, and longs to let you know how important you are to Him. You have immeasurable value and worth to Him. Stop seeking attention from boys that you admire. You cannot find sustenance from broken cisterns. Seek everything you need from the Lord, because He provides everything you will ever need. He will fulfill you if you seek Him instead of people who tend to become idols in your eyes. He will never disappoint, never abandon, never stop loving, and never forget you. You are on the front of His mind and your name is written on the palm of His hand.

I encourage you to love yourself. You are not able to fully love another until you are comfortable within yourself. You and God are the only ones on your journey. Learn to love yourself, then learn to like yourself. Know that you are human and will make mistakes, but have grace for yourself when you do things that disappoint. Embrace the way God has made you. Honor yourself by being honest with your feelings and emotions. They are there for a reason, listen to them. Don't allow other people's opinion of you override your own opinion of yourself. Don't take responsibility of another person's feelings, allow them to do that. Take care of the things YOU are responsible for- your thoughts, feelings, emotions, actions, decisions, health, and growth.

Don't be afraid to say "no" and in turn potentially disappoint someone. Be true to yourself and don't worry about disappointing others. If you are true to yourself and honest in your answers, others will respect you and they will be able to deal with their own disappointment. Don't be afraid to grieve, for it is in the grief that you grow closer to Jesus in His suffering. Don't be afraid to hurt. Feel it, acknowledge the pain, and release it into your comforting Father's hands. He will heal your heart and fulfill all your desires.

Find confidence and security in the Lord's love. He is always Faithful and will always come through for you.

I love you--your older self.

He doesn't want you to be anyone else.

Hey girl, it's me - you at twenty-five years old. Crazy right? If it were possible to meet face to face right now, you'd probably think I have it all together, and that is because I know how you think. I've dropped 25 lbs. Since you last saw me, your boobs FINALLY came in, we have a very sweet boyfriend, a car, an education, a job, and our family isn't THAT crazy after all. Things seem to have gone pretty smoothly - on the surface. You don't realize this now, but even when things seem to be perfect on the outside, sometimes they're not. I'd like to clue you in on a few things that I know about you, things that you might want to think about changing.

You are very sweet and thoughtful. You are always taking care of other people, making other people feel good about themselves, and making the world a brighter place. These are wonderful qualities - but you need to be aware that sometimes these qualities can be weaknesses.

When I was your age, I thought I was doing pretty well. I was a "good Christian." I put other people’s needs first. I tried to always do the right thing, so that no one would have cause to be angry with me. If anyone was hurting, I tried to make it better. I was very encouraging and supportive to other people. But if I was hurting, I couldn't admit it to anyone. I pretended that everything was completely normal. It was so embarrassing to admit that something was wrong. Even when I would go to the doctor, they would ask, "well how are you feeling?" and I'd say, "oh, fine, how are you?" without even thinking about it. I was so good at faking it. When it would have made me feel so much better to talk to someone else and be encouraged by them, I could not do it. It was my gift to be encouraging and uplifting to everyone else – but I would rather die than open up to someone else and tell them that I was sad or lonely or having a hard time.

Not only was I not taking care of my own needs, but I was also entirely too dependent on the approval of others. My friends didn’t like me the way I was, so I pretended to be like them. People at church expected me to act a certain way, dress a certain way, and be a certain way, and so I pretended to be person they wanted me to be. The guy I was dating in high school wanted me to be interested in the same things he was interested in, and I pretended to be interested in those things. I pretended to the point where I actually THOUGHT I was all of those things. I thought I was like my friends, I thought I was the person the people at church thought I was. I thought I liked the same things my boyfriend liked. I was afraid people wouldn’t like me if I wasn’t the way they expected me to be. So even if I didn’t agree with it or enjoy it, I became the person I thought everyone else wanted me to be. I found that I was only truly being myself when I was at home with my family.

This went on for years and years, and when I graduated high school, it began to spiral out of control. I began to exhibit early signs of depression. I cried all the time, and felt sad and I didn’t know why. I would go home from college every weekend just to regroup. I couldn’t be myself away from my family. That was the only place I knew who I was. But every Sunday I had to go back to school. It was terrible. I would wake up in the morning, and pick up my Bible and pray that Jesus would come back that day, because there was no way I was going to make it any further than that one day. I remember the song "In Christ Alone" was really big at that time, and we would sing it in chapel a lot, and I could not sing that line, "till he returns or calls me home, here in the power of Christ I stand," without crying because that line was my life. He carried me during that time. I honestly would not be here, if not for him. Keep your faith strong, because I really needed it then. I carried my Bible everywhere. I would read it, pray, and sometimes just clutch it in my hand, to let myself know that he was there.

I came home after two years – did you catch that? I was so worried about disappointing people (by coming home from college), that It took me TWO YEARS to decide to come home. That's sad. It took me three years after THAT to figure out why I was so depressed, and to get everything sorted out. Those 25 lbs. you were so impressed that I lost? - I lost them within a few months time, simply because I couldn't eat. Now that's crazy -- this from the girl whose boyfriend (instead of a dozen roses) brings her a dozen chocolate covered donuts on date night -- let me tell you, me not eating, now that's crazy. But that's how it was. I wasn't being me, because I did not know how. It was very hard, and there was a time I even thought about suicide, simply because I didn't think I could make it any more. But there's a happy ending to our story. God was always there - he put special people in my life to help me (and I wonder if one of them wasn't an actual angel) and things got better. I've had two and half years of counseling (it's not just for crazy people - it actually helped a lot, I promise), my family and my boyfriend were very supportive, and now I can say that I have learned how to be myself. And boy does it feel great to be myself. I have found that it's actually easier to serve God and other people when you're yourself - strange isn't it?

You can avoid all this, and it's very simple. God made you just the way you are, and he loves you. He doesn’t want you to be anyone else. If your friends don’t like you the way God made you, then get new ones. Also, don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it. There’s no shame in admitting that you need help. We’re all human. And most of the time, there’s someone out there struggling with the exact same thing you’re struggling with. I don't regret any of my story -- I actually am very thankful to have had this experience, so that I can help other people avoid it. Funny how God works sometimes, eh? He's pretty amazing...

Just be brave.

Dear 7th Grade Self,

No, sweetheart, they are not your friends.

They might have been, once upon a time, but this is not how friends behave, this is not what friends are like. Give it up; let go. It’s better without them.

I know you miss that close, tight group you used to have with them. But it just doesn’t exist any longer. These are the same girls, but sixth grade did something to them that it didn’t do to you. Who knows why or what. They got mean or hard or self-conscious. Something terrible at home - a divorce or a bullying older brother; a dad that doesn’t care about what happens to them; a mom who starts every morning belittling or fighting. Whatever did it; it’s already done. They think the only way to look good, to feel better, is to make others look bad, make others feel worse.

It’s not wrong for you to not be comfortable with them anymore; it’s not wrong to want it to be different.

But here’s the thing: It won’t go back to how it was. No matter how long you stick it out with them, how many times you listen to them gossip, how many seats they end up saving for you, how may lunches you guys ridicule each other through - no matter how long you keep this up, it won’t be the way it was. It won’t be as good, or as right, or as close. They won’t be your friends.

They’re already not your friends.

Think about it. There’s no real reason they won’t save you a seat in first period. There’s no real reason they trash talk the guy you like. There’s no real reason for the whole group to go silent when you walk in a room.

No real reason. This is just how girls can be.

But the good news is - not all girls are like this. Not all girls want to see you cry. Not all girls form a little clique and ignore anyone who doesn’t quite fit.

Some girls want friends just like you want friends.

You’ll find them. You’ve already found them. You know who they are; you know that they’re fun, that they joke and laugh and tease and hang out on Fridays. You’ve seen them pass notes to each other in class about silly, goofy stuff. You’ve seen them doodle on each other’s shoes and arms; you’ve listened to them moan about pre-algebra homework. You know them. They’re right there, in front of you.

I know that this is so hard. To cut ties with the girls you thought were your friends, who did, in fact, use to be your friends. I know that it’s scary to think that you might drift around 7th grade without someone, without belonging, never fitting in. But that’s not what happens. That won’t happen.

God is looking out for you; He’s got something in mind. But He needs you to step out on faith, to take the leap into what looks like a vacuum. He will catch you. He will. He will. He is faithful.

Another thing about the way God works. See, what He does for you might sometimes not look like what you want. Or even need. It might look like a paltry imitation, a shadow of the great group of friends you had once. These new friends that God has in mind for you? Yeah, at first glance, they don’t look like the friends you have.

You know the girls I mean, the girls who will be your friends; you’ve already seen them in homeroom. They’re not as put together maybe; they’re wearing last year’s boots instead of this year’s. They do hang out with a couple of guys in band class, and yeah, one of the girls has a retainer she has to wear that gives her a kind of lisp. But guess what? It’s so much more fun when you don’t have to try so hard to be liked, when you fit in with a group of girls who don’t care if your shoes are cool or if this is a good hair day. It’s so much more honest, and real, and relaxing, and right when the friends you surround yourself with just love you for you.

God has plans for you; He needs you to be willing to go along with Him, to ride it out. Because the moment that you step away from those mean girls and sit down at the other end of the lunch table - that’s the moment God starts working through you.

When He does that, there’s no stopping the blessings you get from Him. The girl with the retainer? She teaches you a cool trick to help memorize the poem you have to recite in front of the class next semester. The girl with the geeky band boyfriend? (Yeah, he plays the trombone and gets mad really easily, I know). That girl will be your best friend for the next two years; she’ll get you free tickets to a cool concert and you’ll have her over to spend the night when her stepdad leaves them.

God will be at work in your life. All you have to do, all you need to do, is be brave. Walk past the head of the lunch table and the girls pretending to be stupid to impress the boys, walk past the girl with perfect hair who was new in fifth grade and needed you but doesn’t need you now. Walk past them. Walk to the last table, the one by the trash compactor that stinks. Walk all the way to the end and sit down.

They won’t kick you out. They won’t stare at you like you’re crazy. They won’t stop talking and leave the table in dreadful, judging silence. It’s not a fiery furnace; it’s not a lion’s den.

They’ll ask if you want your orange (no) and if you want to come to the band room after lunch and listen to music (yes). They’ll accept you without question. These people will be your friends. You won’t even miss the others.

In case you couldn’t tell, everything works out. It’s easier than you think. God is bigger than your fears.

Just be brave. Be willing to walk into the flames - they will not touch you.

With hope,
Your Older (Wiser?) Self

Dear Younger Self Project

This post marks the start of a new blog series we're calling the Dear Younger Self Project. The basis of this series is the question "What do you wish you had known in seventh grade?" For the next few weeks, or months, or however long God leads us to do this, you'll be reading anonymous letters that trusted friends and mentors have written to their younger selves. It is our prayer that in reading their self-advice, you will be blessed in a way only God can orchestrate. We're so excited about this new series--God has already been doing amazing things behind the scenes. So, without further ado, the first Dear Younger Self letter:

______

Dear Younger Self (and probably Future Self since this seems to be a lesson I am bound to repeat over and over and over.....again....),

No matter how old you get and no matter what you choose to do in life, there will always be well-meaning people who want to offer you advice....from dating advice, to what you should do with your life, to where you should go to college, to who you should or should not marry, to when and how you should have your children (YES people do actually offer opinions on this...crazy, I know!), etc. Here's the thing though, no matter how successful they are, no matter how well educated they may be, no matter how much older they are than you, etc, YOU are the only person qualified to write your life's story because God made YOU the expert on YOU! He gave YOU a unique set of gifts and sent YOU out on a real life “Choose Your Own Adventure” type of story!

No matter what choices you make, your story is going to be one of those great novels that keeps people on the edge of their seats, not some trivial piece of formula fiction at best destined for tomorrow's compost pile, because life doesn't follow a predictable formula. You can't plug in all of the right variables and come out with the right outcome every time. Each person is different and there are countless variables that you cannot control for across individuals and circumstances. Even if you could, it's not about the last page. It's about the journey that brought you TO the last page...what you learned, how you loved, how you gave, the commitments you made, etc. The problem is that we like formulas. Formulas are safe. There is minimal risk and responsibility on our part for failure and criticism...that's why people write sequels....because they are willing to sacrifice the potential of creating something truly great for the laurels and accolades of others.

That's the real secret: In order to be able to write YOUR story from YOUR heart and not what you THINK other people want to read, you have to be willing to live with criticism. Criticism is never easy to hear, especially when it comes out of ignorance and thoughtlessness. However, God can use all things for good, and sometimes He uses these often unkind words to hone your heart into the heart of a lion. At the center of every woman who has a gentle and quiet spirit, there must exist the heart of a lion, that is willing to courageously stand firm and hold fast to what she believes is right...no matter what. Otherwise, she risks becoming a doormat. At some point, you have to recognize that it is well worth the risk of failure and criticism to go out and live the life God created YOU to live and that the only true measure of your success is when you are measuring it against YOUR rubric and not someone else's.

"God doesn't want us to be shy with his gifts, but bold and loving and sensible." 2 Timothy 1:7 (The Message)

Not a fan.

Hi everyone! It's been quite a while since Esther and I posted last. Summer and school get in the way of everything so easily, can't they? But that's no excuse. First, I want to explain some of the things I, Ruth, have been going through.

So, I had an amazing summer. However, it ended quite abruptly when I had to get my tonsils out two weeks before school started. Oh my goodness, I never want to re-live those two weeks again! God definitely taught me a lesson on how blessed I am to have my health. But I recovered quickly and my throat is much better now.

When school started, I was instantly bombarded with projects and schedules and volleyball games--pretty much everything you can think of. Praying to God became rare, and I slowly stopped thinking about Him as much as I had in the summer. People have always told me how much easier it is to be on fire for God in the summer than during the school year, but I never understood it until this year.

In the summer, I go to church camps and missions trips and help feed the homeless in the inner city with my youth group. During these excursions, I'm thinking about how amazing God is and how blessed I am to have this kind of environment with other teens to minister to less fortunate people. I'm not stressed out and I don't have the pressure of projects and drama and sports on my mind.

So, I finally "got" what people had been saying when this school year started. I was kind of angry at the world. I didn't want summer to end! I wanted to go back to St. Louis where I'd gone on a mission trip in July, and help the people there. I didn't want to be stuck in a classroom all day. I mean, how can you minister there, right?

Wrong. I've realized that you don't have to be somewhere special to share God's love. You can be anywhere! You just have to allow God to speak through you and fulfill His will through you.

My youth group's fall retreat last weekend epitomized how my relationship with God was headed. Now don't get me wrong, I wasn't going out on the weekends and doing bad things! I just wasn't relying on God as I much as I should have and spending enough time with Him.

We had a guest speaker at the retreat and the theme for the weekend was "Not a Fan." That might confuse you at first (trust me, I was confused too!), but this clever little phrase is referring to how we view God. Are we fans of Him, or true followers? The speaker went on to say that people can be a fan of someone and know everything about that person, but not truly know and have a deep relationship with them.

You can know all the books of the Bible and all the Bible stories, but what about the Creator? Do you know Him? The speaker explained that the Greek word for "know" is yada. In order to yada someone, you have to talk to them daily.

So, I encourage you, crave a relationship with God. Desire to know Him. Want to follow Him. Don't be a fan. Be a follower, and follow God's footsteps.

What's your yada moment??

"Fans may try to follow Jesus out of their own strength, but followers of Jesus are empowered by the Holy Spirit" -Kyle Idelman

Be looking for a new series Esther and I are starting called Letters to Your Younger Self!

Confession #1—I (Esther) am going to be frank with you: often, I don’t want to spend time with God. Sometimes—sadly, more often than not—the last thing I want to do is to pause my self-indulgent activities, sit down, open my Bible, and actively seek the Truth of God’s Word. Nine times out of ten, what I want to do is grab a slip of paper, look down at it, and find a neatly-printed Bible verse across it saying that I’m a wonderful Christian just the way I am, and that a relationship with God doesn’t require any work on my part. Ouch.


Don’t we all want to hear that, at some point in our spiritual lives? I mean, let’s be honest, here. Do you wake up every day of every week with the words, “God, I can’t wait to spend time listening to You today” on your lips?


I sure don’t.


I don’t know about you, but when I wake up, it’s all about me. How late did I want to sleep in, what do I want to do today, what outfit will look best on me tonight, what do I want to eat and drink and say and sing and write? The list is endless, peppered with I’s and me’s and my’s. When I sit down and really look at myself, I come to the very unpleasant conclusion that I am a selfish person.


Confession #2—I don’t want to be writing this post right now. I’d much rather be typing my latest angst-filled fanfic (which, by the way, I can post online and get feedback—i.e. praise—from my readers), or watching Alias with my dad, or delving into one of the 5 books I’ve started reading. The last thing I want to be doing right now is scrawling letters across a page, helping other girls learn how to be beautiful in God’s sight.


And you know why that is? Because I don’t feel very beautiful right now. I feel torn and beaten down, empty and used up, as if I’ve given everything I have to offer away in search of satisfaction—pleasure—for myself. I don’t like what God is trying to tell me, so I’m running away from His voice, trying to drown it out with music and TV and emotions and praise—all from the lips of humans.



I am a very selfish person.



The funny thing is, this post is supposed to be about spending time with God. It’s supposed to give a wonderful analogy of flowers and God’s voice. My vision for this post was to leave you with an image in your head of you as the flower, and God as the Gardener—the Caretaker of the plant leaning down to talk to it, to breathe that life-giving CO2 onto its petals. What am I talking about? Flowers—plants—need carbon dioxide to live. That’s why you’ll hear some people say that people who talk to their plants end up with healthier flowers (or fruits, etc), because, when we talk, we expel carbon dioxide in our breath. So, when I pitched this idea to Ruth, I said that I wanted to make a point about time spent listening to God’s voice being essential to cultivating gentle and quiet spirits. Because it is. It isabsolutely essential.


I still want to make that point. But I want to make it all the more forcefully by giving you myself as an example of what happens when you don’t spend time listening—really listening—to God’s voice.



I said earlier that I felt empty, used up, as if I had nothing to offer God (because I’ve spent it all on seeking to please myself), and therefore was running from Him. I felt a lot like Eve must have, after she ate from the forbidden fruit—I’ve been hiding, because I’ve been afraid. Afraid of disappointing God, of letting Him down. Some part of my mind kept saying, “If He knew that you’d rather be doing anything else but spending time with Him, He’d be so disappointed.” Well, guess what? He does know. And I’ve been pretty ridiculous, telling myself otherwise.


What I want you to come away with is this: I can tell you, from personal, recent experience, that the only way you can gain a gentle and quiet spirit—a spirit full of peace, and love, and joy, and all the other Fruits of the Spirit—is to spend time with God. I don’t mean a twenty-second, meaningless prayer at the start or end of your day, or a mandatory Bible reading in Numbers or Leviticus. No, I mean—and I’m telling myself this as I type—I mean quality time. Intentionally setting aside time in your day—every day—to sit down and listen for God’s voice. Because spending time listening for His voice, drinking in that life-giving carbon dioxide on His breath, is one of the best things you can do in your walk with God.



I’ll be the first to admit it: I’ve been terrible about this lately. I just had my first real quiet time with God for the first time in at least a month. That’s right—a month. And you know what? I feel so much better already. So I want to end my portion of this post with a challenge. A challenge as much for myself as for you.


I, (Ruth) have a confession to make as well. This past week I worked at Memphis Workcamp. Twenty or so churches came together to paint/repair houses in Orange Mound for less fortunate families. Just seeing the people and the shape not only their houses were in, but also their lives, made me stop and think. I am so selfish. And spoiled. But this experience also humbled me. I wake up every morning thinking about myself. I don't have to worry about my next meal, safety, or next paycheck. I am so blessed.



God has blessed me with so many things in my life, and I often forget to thank Him. I often forget to spend time with Him–to get to know Him better. Our God is a jealous God. Recently, I asked my mom how God can be jealous, since jealously is a sin. My mom's explanation made a lot of sense: God's jealousy is righteous. He loves us so much, that He can't stand it when we put other things or people before Him. Today in Sunday school, my teacher also challenged us to write out our vows to God. Since Jesus is the bridegroom and we are the bride. So just like husband and wife, we took time today to write out our promises/vows to God. I thought that was so cool. Try it sometime. Really think about how you want to promise yourself to Christ.



Now back to Esther.



Let’s set aside some time every day of this week and listen for God’s voice. Let’s pause our crazy, often self-centered lives, sit down, open our hearts, and echo the words of Samuel in 1 Samuel 3:10, “Speak, for your servant is listening.”


“…intimacy is both a discipline and a goal—much like humility and prayer and sacrifice, and any of the other disciplines. Our great tendency in this age is to increase our speed, to run faster, even in the Christian life. In the process our walk with God stays shallow, and our tank runs low on fumes. Intimacy offers a full tank of fuel that can only be found by pulling up closer to God, which requires taking necessary time and going to the effort to make that happen.” ~ Charles R. Swindoll, So You Want to Be Like Christ?

Friday night. You’re getting together with a group of your friends over the weekend. You’re standing, hands on hips, surveying the clothes in your closet. Five minutes and a thoroughly chewed lip later, you reach in and pull out a skirt and top. This’ll do, you think, and lay it out on your bed. Barely a minute later, you’re back in the closet, waffling between shirts. You finally decide on the blue one, and head to bed, satisfied.

Saturday morning. You’re standing in front of the mirror, face frowning back at you. One hand is on your hip, the other fiddling with your hair. You’ve finally decided on jeans and a cute top (after about a dozen combinations), and now you’re facing the hair problem. You can’t decide whether to wear it in a ponytail, or leave it down.

Sound familiar? Have you ever found yourself in the endless cycle of this or that, pink or red, skirt or jeans? I (Esther) can’t tell you how much I’ve found myself in this same scenario, expending so much time, energy, and tears on my outward appearance. Jeans or shorts? Skirt or capris? Blue top or red top? Ponytail or French braid? The list goes on and on.

I (Ruth) also find myself in this exact situation. Even though I plan my outfit way ahead of time, I always go back and add some last minute touches, usually ending up in a whole different look. As girls, we are our biggest critics. No one else knows our little, secret flaws that we spend so much time trying to cover up... except God. When I am getting ready for school in the mornings, I stand in the front of the mirror criticizing myself. Why? Well, I really think that's just our nature. We are unsatisfied. But guess Who is perfectly satisfied with our appearance? No one but the Creator of the Universe! He wouldn't have spent the time creating us if He was not going to be happy with the outcome. I mean come on, God knows everything, right? So He knew everything about us before He spoke us into being. So in the mornings, when I have only slept for a mere six hours, I look into the mirror and say, "God thinks I am beautiful, and that's all that matters."

“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?” (Matthew 6:28-30)

O you of little faith. If Jesus said those words to His disciples, who followed Him everywhere for three years, and listened to every word that fell from His lips, what would He say to me? What would He say to you? Maybe something like, “Why do you spend so much time redoing your make-up?” Or, “You were so worried about what your friends thought of your new dress that you missed the beautiful sunset I painted just for you.” Maybe, “Won’t you listen? Won’t you set aside concerns for your outward beauty just long enough to see that field of wildflowers waving to you? That’s Me! I’m trying to tell you that I love you, that I made you so beautiful that I can’t take My eyes off you. Please let Me in so I can show everyone else how beautiful I’ve made you.”

Well, guess what? That is what He’s saying to you! He may not be whispering those exact words in your ear, but He’s definitely there, knocking on the door to your heart, longing for you to take your eyes off your reflection long enough to read His words, to hear His voice calling to you, asking you to let Him sweep you off your feet and show you the beauty He’s bestowed upon you.

Jesus used the perfect example in Matthew: flowers. Have you ever stopped to look at a field of wildflowers? Or a vase of daisies, or a bouquet of roses? Flowers are some of God’s most beautiful creations. Why else would we take dozens of pictures of them, give them to those we love, and carry them in our weddings? Do you think they spend hours slaving over their appearance, setting the tilt of their petals just so, or the hue of their color that perfect shade of vivid? No! Nothing could be further from the truth. Instead, they exist solely because they were created to be beautiful. To bring pleasure to God’s children—to you—and to teach us valuable lessons.